Archives For Humor

200 (9)A thief broke into a beautiful ivy covered house in the countryside and was looking around for things to steal when he heard a voice say “Jesus is watching you!”

The surprised thief froze in his tracks and looked around, shining the flashlight until he saw a parrot looking at him from inside a cage.

“Did you say that to me?” he asked the parrot.

“Yes, I said Jesus is watching you.” the parrot repeated.

“What is your name?” asked the thief.

“My name is Moses” said the parrot. “I’m warning you, Jesus is watching you.”

“I don’t believe in Jesus. And besides that, you have a stupid name, what kind of idiot would name their parrot Moses?”

The parrot replied, “The same kind of person who would name their 150 pound, bloodthirsty guard dog Jesus.”

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Genie (Photo credit: KLuwak)

A man and his wife found a lamp and began rubbing it, joking that maybe a genie would appear. To their amazement, a genie really did appear and asked them what their wishes were.

The wife thought for a minute and then said “I wish that I could travel the world.”

Poof! When the smoke cleared she was holding tickets to many different wonderful cities in the world.

The middle aged husband thought for a moment and said “I wish I were married to a woman 30 years younger than me.”

Poof! When the smoke cleared there he was, 80 years old.

But seriously…

Thomas Edison was one of many people who rose from poverty and very humble beginnings, even severe failure, to change the world for the better and become rich and famous. As a student, Edison’s mind often wandered and was a very poor student, he obtained only three months of formal schooling. His mother taught him at home and he was fascinated with books.

There are several stories as to why Edison was hearing impaired. The actual cause is probably scarlet fever, although Edison attributed it to being struck on the ears when one of his many scientific experiments went wrong, causing a fire on the train and was thrown off a train, and later saying a conductor had pulled him up on a train by the ears.

When he was young he sold candy and newspapers on trains and also vegetables to travelers. He sold newspapers on the road and started his own newspaper. He eventually started 14 companies, including General Electric which is still one of the largest publicly traded companiesin the world and certainly one of the most influential companies in the US.

Edison failed many times. When he was 19 years old, he was fired from his job at Western Union because his experiment with batteries spilled acid on the floor and it went between the floorboards to his boss’ desk below. He was one of many people who were fired from a job and moved on to incredible success.

Most people with difficulty hearing and limited education would decide to work at some simple job, but not Edison. His passion for inventing and his curiosity pushed him forward. He decided failures were not bad things, but actually good things. He tried 10,000 different ways to invent the light bulb and said that all those attempts were not failures but were stepping stones on the path to finding the right way. Most people would have given up after a few tries, even more after a few thousand, but Edison kept trying. He had incredible persistence and faith in his abilities.

Sometimes when I think about quitting, I remember people like Edison and I am motivated to keep on trying even after I have failed many times. Nobody who accomplished great things gave up easily.

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A blind lady named Sue was flying across country and the airplane landed in Dallas for a short layover. Sue flew often and the captain knew her name. He wanted to stretch his legs a bit so he approached her and asked “Sue do you want to leave the airplane and walk around for a bit?”

“No” said Sue, “but would you mind walking my seeing-eye dog for a few minutes?”

“Sure” he said. It was rather sunny from the large windows in the airport waiting room so he put on his sunglasses.

You can imagine the shocked looks on the people waiting for the plane when they saw the airline pilot walking off the airplane wearing sunglasses with a seeing-eye dog.

0000000000000000000000Have you ever gone to the hospital and had a “we” nurse? You know what I mean, she comes in and asks “How are we doing today? Have we eaten our breakfast yet?”

So a man was in the hospital and one afternoon a nurse came in with a specimen cup in her hand and asked him for a urine sample.

He raised his eyebrows in mock surprise and said “Do you mean from here?”

She ignored his humor and left the cup beside his bed. After she left, he decided to have some fun with her and filled the specimen cup with his leftover apple juice.

The nurse came back later, frowned at the cup and said “My, we are a bit cloudy today aren’t we?”

He grabbed the cup and drank it down completely. “I’ll run it through again and see if it comes out more clear next time.”

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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast to her in a fancy joint on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my dad tripped me! 

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I would have to pay in advance.  

I tell you when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo…. it never did come back!

When I was a kid I got no respect.  I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “Give us five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

I am telling ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to go have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room in the house.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.  

I saw my psychiatrist and told him, “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and the customers kept asking how big I’d get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool and let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

I come from a slow family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was not too bright. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness… after I was born.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.