- to be heard
- to be physically safe
- to be affirmed
- to be praised
- to be touched
- to be passionately desired
- to be included in your life
1. Your friend/child/spouse/employee wants to be heard.
Large, well managed companies often teach their supervisors the importance of listening. Remember to listen to your significant other and make sure she/he knows she is being heard. Don’t stare at the TV or computer while she is talking. She may be telling you things that she feels are extremely important.
Most men don’t understand how important the ideas are that a wife expresses. If she says she is feeling overwhelmed, don’t just say OK and then go on with your work. Understand that there is trouble and it may be really big trouble. Also, your wife probably looks to you as the leader in the family in some ways. Think about how you feel if your boss at work does not listen to you. Furthermore, how do you feel when your boss is harsh to you? Your wife probably feels the same way when you don’t listen to her or you are harsh to her. Listen to her, remember what she says, and realize it is important. Act on what she says. Women, your husband needs you to do the same.
Your wife or husband may have grown up in a family in which her/his emotions and feelings were not valued. There may have been a lot of loneliness in her life even though she was surrounded by sisters, brothers, mother and father. She needs to talk about how she feels. Never say that her feelings are not important. Don’t react to her in such a way that she feels you consider her feelings unimportant. This can cause enormous emotional distress, even mental illness in people if their emotions are not validated. Husbands, learn to talk about how you feel. You wife needs to hear it.
2. Your wife wants to be physically safe. If you have been physically aggressive to her, hitting, pushing or otherwise, it can cause much bigger problems than you think. It may have taken away her security. But safety is more than just this. She needs to know she will have a roof over her head and clothes to wear. Wives, remember to be content with what you have. Nothing is more difficult for a man than a woman who is never grateful for what he provides for her and always nags about wanting more, more, more.
But you both need to feel safe about expressing your feelings. Don’t belittle or ridicule each other’s feelings or desires.
3. Affirm each other. If your husband does the dishes for you, be sure and thank him. If your wife does something kind for you, don’t forget to affirm her and let her know that you appreciate it.
4. Praise each other. This is important because men need respect very much. They want you to respect and praise them for the efforts they make for the family. Your husband working extra hours at work may get tiring to you, but realize it may by your husband’s way of showing love for you and your children. Use positive reinforcement instead of negative to bring about changes. For example, say “It is so good for the family when you get home on time so that we don’t have to wait for you while our supper grows cold.”
5. Touch is very important in family relationships. Research shows that babies that are not touched, left alone in the hospital are likely to die. That is why hospitals hire people to pick up the babies and talk to them. Touch is important for children and adults, too. You may have seen the bumper sticker “Have you hugged your kid today?” It is important to do. I remember when my seven year old was crying about something that had happened to her at school. Her friend had gotten mad at her and pushed her down. I told her to sit on my lap and put my arms around her. Within a few seconds she was no longer crying and began to laugh.
6. Desire each other passionately. If you do this, it will bring fun back into your marriage. Pray for it. It is possible. You want to be the only man in your wife’s life, she wants to be the one and only woman in your life. There will be many times when she doesn’t feel that is number one. Spending all your time at work and neglecting her shows that there is another woman – your job, that is more important than her. Or it may be your mother, sisters, brothers, friends, hobbies.
Men and women both want to be included in each other’s lives. Most women begin to think about marriage when they are in their early teens. They think about sharing their life with a man. Men probably don’t think about this until they are older but it is important to them too. Do you include your significant other in your life? Ask her if she feels that you do.
OK, now you know some very important information. Don’t just read it and forget it. If you do, you are just wasting your time at this web site. Find a way to remember these ideas and make a plan as to how you will apply them to your life. Sit down and write down your plan. Keep it in a safe place. What I do is to find a way to remember these life changing ideas from the survey. I make an acronym from the main ideas. Let’s give it a try. The seven ideas are listed above. the first one is “Hear.” Use the letter H for hear. The next idea is safety-use an “S.” Make an acronym and spell something to memorize these ideas. Write a plan about how you will do these. 1. H (hear) 2. S (safe) 3. A (affirm) 4. P (praise) 5. T (touch) 6. D (desire passionately) 7. E (enter her into your life). You have seven letters: H, S, A, P, T, D, E. You can arrange the letters to form a word like this: SHAPED T. This word will help you remember the seven things people want in life so that you can find ways to give and receive these seven things.