With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast to her in a fancy joint on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my dad tripped me!
Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I would have to pay in advance.
I tell you when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo…. it never did come back!
When I was a kid I got no respect. I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “Give us five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”
I am telling ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!
I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to go have a few drinks and get some rest.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room in the house.
With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.
I saw my psychiatrist and told him, “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.
I worked in a pet store and the customers kept asking how big I’d get.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool and let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”
I come from a slow family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was not too bright. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
My mother had morning sickness… after I was born.
My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.