Archives For laugh

Wedding vows joke

Brad Stanton —  January 25, 2014 — 6 Comments

Elegant-Bride-and-GroomDuring the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. He said to the minister “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”

He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” He leaned toward the minister and hissed, “I thought we had a deal!”

The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”


200 (9)A thief broke into a beautiful ivy covered house in the countryside and was looking around for things to steal when he heard a voice say “Jesus is watching you!”

The surprised thief froze in his tracks and looked around, shining the flashlight until he saw a parrot looking at him from inside a cage.

“Did you say that to me?” he asked the parrot.

“Yes, I said Jesus is watching you.” the parrot repeated.

“What is your name?” asked the thief.

“My name is Moses” said the parrot. “I’m warning you, Jesus is watching you.”

“I don’t believe in Jesus. And besides that, you have a stupid name, what kind of idiot would name their parrot Moses?”

The parrot replied, “The same kind of person who would name their 150 pound, bloodthirsty guard dog Jesus.”

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A blind lady named Sue was flying across country and the airplane landed in Dallas for a short layover. Sue flew often and the captain knew her name. He wanted to stretch his legs a bit so he approached her and asked “Sue do you want to leave the airplane and walk around for a bit?”

“No” said Sue, “but would you mind walking my seeing-eye dog for a few minutes?”

“Sure” he said. It was rather sunny from the large windows in the airport waiting room so he put on his sunglasses.

You can imagine the shocked looks on the people waiting for the plane when they saw the airline pilot walking off the airplane wearing sunglasses with a seeing-eye dog.


0000000000000000000000Have you ever gone to the hospital and had a “we” nurse? You know what I mean, she comes in and asks “How are we doing today? Have we eaten our breakfast yet?”

So a man was in the hospital and one afternoon a nurse came in with a specimen cup in her hand and asked him for a urine sample.

He raised his eyebrows in mock surprise and said “Do you mean from here?”

She ignored his humor and left the cup beside his bed. After she left, he decided to have some fun with her and filled the specimen cup with his leftover apple juice.

The nurse came back later, frowned at the cup and said “My, we are a bit cloudy today aren’t we?”

He grabbed the cup and drank it down completely. “I’ll run it through again and see if it comes out more clear next time.”

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dead grandmother joke

Brad Stanton —  June 9, 2013 — 2 Comments

303

A man knew that his grandmother was rich and about to die. He went to visit her and help her in any way that he could. She told him that she had half a million dollars hidden underneath the floorboards in the kitchen. She wanted him to have it because he was the only one that cared enough about her to come and take care of her.

After the grandmother’s funeral the man retrieved the money and dug a hole in his backyard to bury it. The next day he went out to check on the buried treasure. All he found was an empty hole. As he inspected the area, he saw footprints from the hole leading to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.

Down the street lived a woman named Sally who had a deaf brother, so she understood sign language, so the man hurried to her house and brought her to the deaf-mute to interrogate him. He brought his hand gun hidden under his coat.

He screamed at Sally, “Tell this deaf-mute that I know he stole my money and that if he doesn’t give it back I will kill him!”

Sally signed the message to the deaf mute, who replied in sign language “I hid it in the cupboards in the basement.”

Sally then turned to the man with the gun and said “He says he will never tell you where the money is, even if you kill him.”