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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. He said to the minister “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”
He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.
The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” He leaned toward the minister and hissed, “I thought we had a deal!”
The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”
A man had a layover on his flight to Los Angeles, so he stopped at a snack shop in the airport and bought a package of 10 small cookies and a newspaper. He sat down at a table and began reading the newspaper. After a few minutes he heard the rustling of cellophane, the kind his cookies were wrapped in so he peered over his paper and was shocked to see an elderly lady taking a cookie out of the cellophane and taking a bite.
He frowned at her but she didn’t notice. He reached out and took a cookie, still frowning at her. She looked up, noticed his frown and kept chewing the cookie.
After a few moments, while reading again, he heard the same noise. He looked and the lady was taking another cookie without asking, without even looking at him! He reached forward and took two cookies with an even fiercer frown. She paused for a moment, looking at him, then went back to eating.
He ate both cookies and went back to reading until he heard the cellophane again. She took two this time and even frowned at him! He grabbed the rest of the cookies and stood up to leave, opening his briefcase as he walked so that he could put the remaining cookies in it. To his chagrin, he saw the unopened bag of cookies he had purchased and absent mindedly inserted in the briefcase.
He quickly wheeled around and gave the lady back her remaining cookies, apologizing profusely.
A man knew that his grandmother was rich and about to die. He went to visit her and help her in any way that he could. She told him that she had half a million dollars hidden underneath the floorboards in the kitchen. She wanted him to have it because he was the only one that cared enough about her to come and take care of her.
After the grandmother’s funeral the man retrieved the money and dug a hole in his backyard to bury it. The next day he went out to check on the buried treasure. All he found was an empty hole. As he inspected the area, he saw footprints from the hole leading to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.
Down the street lived a woman who had a deaf son, so she understood sign language, so the man hurried to her house and brought her to the deaf-mute to interrogate him. He brought his hand gun hidden under his coat.
He screamed at the woman, “Tell this deaf-mute that I know he stole my money and that if he doesn’t give it back I will kill him!”
The lady signed the message to the deaf mute, who replied in sign language “I hid it in the cupboards in the basement.”
The interpreter then turned to the man with the gun and said “He says he will never tell you where the money is, even if you kill him.”
A blind lady named Sue was flying across country and the airplane landed in Dallas for a short layover. Sue flew often and the captain knew her name. He wanted to stretch his legs a bit so he approached her and asked “Sue do you want to leave the airplane and walk around for a bit?”
“No” said Sue, “but would you mind walking my seeing-eye dog for a few minutes?”
“Sure” he said. It was rather sunny from the large windows in the airport waiting room so he put on his sunglasses.
You can imagine the shocked looks on the people waiting for the plane when they saw the airline pilot walking off the airplane wearing sunglasses with a seeing-eye dog.