Archives For jokes

The parrot and the thief (humor)

Brad Stanton —  April 14, 2013 — 3 Comments

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A thief broke into a beautiful ivy covered house in the countryside and was looking around for things to steal when he heard a voice say “Jesus is watching you!”

The surprised thief froze in his tracks and looked around, shining the flashlight until he saw a parrot looking at him from inside a cage.

“Did you say that to me?” he asked the parrot.

“Yes, I said Jesus is watching you.” the parrot repeated.

“What is your name?” asked the thief.

“My name is Moses” said the parrot. “I’m warning you, Jesus is watching you.”

“I don’t believe in Jesus. And besides that, you have a stupid name, what kind of idiot would name their parrot Jesus?”

The parrot replied, “The same kind of person who would name their 150 pound, bloodthirsty guard dog Jesus.”

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A clever mom (humor)

Brad Stanton —  April 9, 2013 — 16 Comments

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.523429_409327455831671_630280954_n (1)
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious….

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

He said ,”Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
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Napoleon Hill interviewed 500 of the most successful people around and found six steps that bring success. Whether you seek success overcoming an addiction, losing weight, better relationships, career success, financial security or anything else, these six steps will help:
http://bradstanton.com/2013/04/05/6-steps-to-success/

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How embarrassing (humor)

Brad Stanton —  April 2, 2013 — 10 Comments

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Before you read this you must know that I’m sort of a charm school reject. I blame my mom, she never sent me to charm school. Well, I really can’t blame her. No respectable charm school would ever allow me in their doors. If low class humor is not for you, stop reading now! I really did experience this embarrassing event.

During the tornado drill about a month ago, I was not able to make it to the shelter with my coworkers because I was sitting on the potty when the tornado alarm went off. Later, in a crew meeting, I was asked why I didn’t show up in the tunnel.

I told them what I was doing and said that some thought it was a crappy excuse, but no one had made a stink about it. One person told me that if it had been a real tornado I would just have to kiss my butt goodbye. Well, I didn’t fight back when he said that, I turned the other cheek. When I was finished explaining this in crew meeting, someone accused me of having diarrhea of the mouth.

You know how it is; sometimes things just don’t come out as smoothly as planned. We all have had log jams that slow us down.

So now I still get comments about this situation. One person said “Hey, the sewer department called. They said they have had enough crap out of you!” I guess you could say I am the butt of a few jokes. People are still making cracks about mine.

Surely there are more puns to be made about this, if you can think of one, leave a reply.

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A really bad day–humor

Brad Stanton —  February 26, 2013 — 4 Comments

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Truck Drivers only!

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Picture on the side of a truck, not really a man on a hammock.

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Dog jokes

Brad Stanton —  January 30, 2013 — 4 Comments

A dog with no name

A man was passing through a small town and decided to stop for a soft drink. He parked and got out of his car. In front of the store was a boy, about 8 or 10 years old and a dog. The man was impressed by the dog and asked

“Son, does your dog bite?”

“No, my dog doesn’t bite, mister.” the boy said.

The man reached down to pet the dog and suddenly the dog lunged and bit his hand.

“I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” the man cried out.

“That’s not my dog” the boy answered.

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It was summertime and a man walked past several boys with a dog. “What are you boys doing?” he asked.

“We are competing to see who wins this dog as a prize. Whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep the dog.” One of the boys said.

The man was shocked at the morals of these young boys, competing to see who could tell the biggest lie. He decided he would do his good deed for the day and encourage them to find a more honest way to compete for the dog.

“Boys, it’s not a good idea to tell lies. Why, when I was a boy I became a Christian at an early age and I didn’t tell lies after that. In fact, I was so blessed by the Lord that I became a preacher.” He talked and talked, going on and on about how bad it is to lie and how he didn’t do that kind of thing. Eventually he paused to see if he had any effect on the boys. They were staring at him with strange expressions on their faces.

“OK, give him the dog. None of us can tell that big of a lie!” one of the boys said.

cute dog on table

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