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English: Profile of a parrot Ara Chloropterus ...

A thief broke into a beautiful ivy covered house in the countryside and was looking around for things to steal when he heard a voice say “Jesus is watching you!”

The surprised thief froze in his tracks and looked around, shining the flashlight until he saw a parrot looking at him from inside a cage.

“Did you say that to me?” he asked the parrot.

“Yes, I said Jesus is watching you.” the parrot repeated.

“What is your name?” asked the thief.

“My name is Moses” said the parrot. “I’m warning you, Jesus is watching you.”

“I don’t believe in Jesus. And besides that, you have a stupid name, what kind of idiot would name their parrot Jesus?”

The parrot replied, “The same kind of person who would name their 150 pound, bloodthirsty guard dog Jesus.”

help street kids http://www.travel4j.com/donate.html

A really bad day–humor

Brad Stanton —  February 26, 2013 — 4 Comments

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Truck Drivers only!

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Picture on the side of a truck, not really a man on a hammock.

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It is said that some of the top leaders of England were at a party with Oliver Cromwell, trying their best to make friends with him in order to win favors. One man apparently had a habit of talking before thinking and saw a homely young lady enter the party with a man.

“Who is that unsightly creature with Lord Smith?” the man asked Cromwell.

Cromwell winced and said “That sir, is my daughter.”

Trying hastily to overcome his mistake the man said “No, no I mean that shocking monster on the other side of him.”

“That, sir, is my wife.”

I don’t know if that story is true or just a joke, but the following is true and I thought it was very interesting because it is the account of a man who rose from obscurity to a very high position.

Oliver Cromwell (1599 – 1658) was an English military and political leader and later Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England, Scotland and Ireland. Born into the middle gentry, he was relatively obscure for the first 40 years of his life. After undergoing a religious conversion in the 1630s, Cromwell became an intensely religious man and he fervently believed that God was guiding his victories.

He was elected Member of Parliament and later entered the English Civil War. Nicknamed “Old Ironsides”, he was quickly promoted from leading a single cavalry troop to become one of the principal commanders of the New Model Army. (From Wikipedia)

He later became head of state of England, Scotland and Ireland and changed the course of history. It just goes to show you that your luck can change at any time, and you may be propelled into a wonderful life.

Dog jokes

Brad Stanton —  January 30, 2013 — 4 Comments

A dog with no name

A man was passing through a small town and decided to stop for a soft drink. He parked and got out of his car. In front of the store was a boy, about 8 or 10 years old and a dog. The man was impressed by the dog and asked

“Son, does your dog bite?”

“No, my dog doesn’t bite, mister.” the boy said.

The man reached down to pet the dog and suddenly the dog lunged and bit his hand.

“I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” the man cried out.

“That’s not my dog” the boy answered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was summertime and a man walked past several boys with a dog. “What are you boys doing?” he asked.

“We are competing to see who wins this dog as a prize. Whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep the dog.” One of the boys said.

The man was shocked at the morals of these young boys, competing to see who could tell the biggest lie. He decided he would do his good deed for the day and encourage them to find a more honest way to compete for the dog.

“Boys, it’s not a good idea to tell lies. Why, when I was a boy I became a Christian at an early age and I didn’t tell lies after that. In fact, I was so blessed by the Lord that I became a preacher.” He talked and talked, going on and on about how bad it is to lie and how he didn’t do that kind of thing. Eventually he paused to see if he had any effect on the boys. They were staring at him with strange expressions on their faces.

“OK, give him the dog. None of us can tell that big of a lie!” one of the boys said.

cute dog on table

Funny baby pics

Brad Stanton —  December 22, 2012 — 16 Comments

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Shepherd humour

Brad Stanton —  December 10, 2012 — 13 Comments

English: Shepherd dog, sheep, Dolenja vas near...

A shepherd was bringing his large flock of sheep down a dusty road when a man in a Ferrari drove up and stopped. He got out of his car wearing an expensive Armani suit and had a laptop computer in his hand.

He said, “What a wonderful flock of sheep you have here, I’ll make a deal with you. If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock in less than a minute, you give me one sheep. How about it?”

The shepherd agreed.

The man scanned the flock with his computer cam and began typing on the laptop. In less than 45 seconds he shouted “You have 1253 sheep!”

“Yes, exactly!” said the shepherd. “You can have a sheep.”

The shepherd watched the rich man carry an animal to his car.

“Wait a minute” said the shepherd, “I’ll make a deal with you. If I can tell you what kind of work you do for a living, you give me back my animal, OK?”

“It’s a deal” said the rich man.

“You are an IT consultant” said the shepherd.

“Wow, that’s right, how did you know?” asked the IT man.

“Three reasons” said the shepherd. “One, you came and asked for work without me calling you. Two, I had to pay you to tell me something I already knew, and three you don’t understand my business at all. I don’t think you know the first thing about shepherding. Now give me back my dog!”

 

Money humor

Brad Stanton —  November 25, 2012 — 15 Comments

A man knew that his grandmother was rich and about to die. He went to visit her and help her in any way that he could. She told him that she had half a million dollars hidden underneath the floorboards in the kitchen. She wanted him to have it because he was the only one that cared enough about her to come and take care of her.

After the grandmother’s funeral the man retrieved the money and dug a hole in his backyard to bury it. The next day he went out to check on the buried treasure. All he found was an empty hole. As he inspected the area, he saw footprints from the hole leading to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.

Down the street lived a woman who had a deaf son, so she understood sign language, so the man hurried to her house and brought her to the deaf-mute to interrogate him. He brought his hand gun hidden under his coat.

He screamed at the woman, “Tell this deaf-mute that I know he stole my money and that if he doesn’t give it back I will kill him!”

The lady signed the message to the deaf mute, who replied in sign language “I hid it in the cupboards in the basement.”

The interpreter then turned to the man with the gun and said “He says he will never tell you where the money is, even if you kill him.”


I decided to do something lighthearted and silly during the last full moon. After reading the thought provoking book “Full Moon” by Seymore Butz who decides to grin and bare it, (that was after I read “Yellow River” by I.P. Freely) I decided to let my creative juices flow. This train wreck of a post is the unfortunate result.

The picture is Lady Gaga when she was nine. Isn’t she cute? More about her later in this post.

I suppose the inspiring, philosophical quote by Mic Jagger explains it pretty well: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need. Ahhhhh yea.” If we really take these words to heart it can make us a little more whatever. It’s just so….whatever. A quote from a rock guitarist in his usual drug induced stupor that I especially love: “Let him paltry when I don’t remember why I let’s go see and then it was over.” I’m sure he understood what he was talking about…or maybe not.

But it is true we don’t always get what we want. I attended a speech by a man who went to Canada to help people in a certain impoverished area with their spiritual, emotional and physical needs. I thought that was pretty cool. I wanted to go and do the same as I listened to his fascinating stories of making a difference in people’s lives. I knew that if I did that kind of work I would get that nice warm feeling every day. At my present job I only get that nice warm feeling from wetting my pants. But anyway, he told about how his wife found that many women in the rural area felt disconnected. So she started an outreach called Girlfriends Unlimited. He told some of the touching stories of how lonely women found a friend. I was so moved that during the question and answer session I told him I wanted to move to Canada and be a part of Girlfriends Unlimited. That door shut firmly in my face, I think it was sexual discrimination, but I didn’t let it get me down. I can’t always get what I want.

By now, if you are still reading this you probably think I suffer from insanity. No, that is not the case at all. I enjoy being insane.

I certainly didn’t get want I wanted at work the other day. My coworker was talking about his nephew who is making it fairly big in Hollywood and how he had dreamed of that since he was a child. Then he went on to tell about another relative who had dreamed of driving a truck since he was five. I told him I’ve always dreamed of being a Chippendale’s dancer. He ignored the comment. (I don’t really want to do be a Chippendale’s dancer, just wanted to shock him, I’d have to lose weight.) When people cling to a dream long enough, it almost always seems to be fulfilled. The picture of Lady Gaga – notice the flair for fashion, black outfit, wide eyes. She must have been perfecting her routine since childhood.

He asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and what kind of woman I was looking for. He always thinks he needs to get me fixed up. I told him again that I want a woman the way I like my tea– strong, hot and sweet. He ignored that too. I don’t know why he doesn’t take me seriously. Once he even suggested I was demon possessed, but I’m sure the only reason he felt that way is that I forgot to pay my exorcist that month and got repossessed.

He sometimes told me wild, incredible, unbelievable stories, like the time at Christmas he was with all the family and in-laws sitting around the fireplace chatting. He said his father got up a laid a log on the fire. That was really hard for me to believe. For one, his dad is not the kind of person to lay a log in front of everyone, secondly, I’m sure he would burn his butt before he could finish laying the log. I just can’t picture his dad deciding to grin and bare it.

Then he had the gall to suggest maybe I have a drinking problem. I told him I don’t have a drinking problem at all, I can quit drinking any time I want. I quit drinking three times yesterday.

I really got carried away that day…….. by the men in white.

Another mule joke

Brad Stanton —  September 18, 2012 — 8 Comments

a mule

An old farmer had an old mule. The mule was very old and very sick, in fact the veterinarian told the old farmer the best thing to do would be to put the poor animal down and said he could do it painlessly. But the old farmer just couldn’t bear to lose the old faithful mule.

A few days later when the pastor called the old farmer, he told the pastor all about the old mule. After hearing the story the pastor kindly asked if the old farmer would like him to shoot the mule to put it out of its misery.

“Yes, pastor, that would be mighty fine of you, I just can’t bring myself to do it.”

That day Billy Bob came to talk to the pastor. The pastor said “I’d love to chat with you but I have an errand that I need to attend to, want to come along with me?”

“Sure, I’ll come” said Billy Bob.

As they drove to the old farmers house the thought crossed the pastor’s mind that he could have a lot of fun with this. He decided to make up a fib and see if Billy Bob would believe it.

“Billy Bob, I’m so mad at that old farmer I just don’t know what to do. Every time I think of him I get madder. I’m to the point now that if I wasn’t a pastor, I’d be thinking about killing him. Maybe I’ll just kill his mule, instead.”

They arrived at the house and the pastor pulled out his rifle and strode angrily to the back of the barn where the old mule was. Billy Bob heard a shot and saw the pastor walking back to the truck with a smoking gun. Billy Bob’s eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything.

“I’m going right up to that old man’s house and tell him what I did” said the pastor.

He put the rifle back in the truck. After the pastor finished talking to the old farmer he walked back to the truck and was surprised to hear four gunshots. Suddenly Billy Bob came running around the corner with the rifle.

“I got him good, pastor, I just shot three of his chickens and one of his cows, let’s get out of here!”

The old mule — humour

Brad Stanton —  September 17, 2012 — 11 Comments

These pictures show some of the hardware which...

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

”Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–” ”I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. ”Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

”Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–”

”Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.

”Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

That was just a joke, but most people would say they are feeling pretty good at that point, wouldn’t they? And when they thought about the alternative, they probably would be happy.

Puns and other humour/humor

Brad Stanton —  September 7, 2012 — 18 Comments

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
The glasses maker who fell into his lens grinding machine made a spectacle of himself
A backwards poet writes inverse
A will is a dead giveaway
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired
The worst place to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. …Especially if the people you are playing with, are really bad guessers.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the bulb has to really want to change.
How do you make a group of lawyers smile for a photo? Just say Fees
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? The lawyer has a briefcase.
Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards! Sit down and I’ll deal with you later.
Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge! What’s come over you?
Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Pull yourself together!
Why did Santa’s little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem
Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin
What was the witches’ favorite subject in school? Spelling
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts
Why is the book Women Who Love Too Much a disappointment for many men?No phone numbers
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it. The thief was spending less than his wife did
Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer? He studied all year for the bra exam
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny
What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet? The captain’s log
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog
A brand new communist solder fought bravely but was beaten up by another soldier. He may have been a green red who was black and blue but he wasn’t yellow.
Leave a reply and leave a pun if you can, pleeeease

Graveyard humor

Brad Stanton —  August 26, 2012 — 12 Comments

Кабак

A drunk man left a bar and decided to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It was raining heavily and rather dark, with only a half moon in the sky above, it cast eerie shadows across the tombstones, giving the drunk man the creeps. He didn’t see an open grave in front of him and fell into it. He tried to climb out but the rain made the sides of the hole too slippery to climb. Finally he decided to give up and spend the night there and try again in daylight after he sobered up.

A while later, another drunk left the same bar and took the same shortcut through the graveyard. He too felt scared by the creepy shadows moving over the tombstones and the eerie atmosphere of the graveyard. He, too fell into the open grave. The first drunk was still there and watched him try to climb out only to fall back down into the slippery, muddy hole. Finally the second drunk got tired and sat down to rest. The first drunk said in his scariest voice, “yessss, just sit and ressst, you’ll never get out.”

But he did!

Blind humor/humour

Brad Stanton —  August 23, 2012 — 18 Comments

English: A student working as a barmaid in a B...

A blind man visits Texas

A blind man went to Texas and stopped at a restaurant. He sat down and said to the waitress “Wow, what big chairs these are!”
“Everything is big in Texas” the waitress replied.

After dinner he went down the street to a bar. The bartender put a large mug of beer in front of him and he said “Wow, what big mugs these are!”

“Everything is big in Texas” the lady bartender said.
After drinking some beers the man asked where the bathroom was.

“Second door to the right down that hall” the bartender replied.

The blind man started heading down the hall and found the first door and went past but didn’t feel the second door with his cane. He proceeded to walk a little farther to a third door. it was actually the door to the swimming pool. He opened the door thinking it was the second door with the restroom and walked forward, only to fall into the pool.

Scared to death the blind man started shouting “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!”

Blind man here to see you

At a convent the mother superior was taking a shower. A nun came into the bathroom and said “There is a blind man here to see you.” The mother superior said “Well if it is a blind man it won’t matter if I am in the shower. Send him in.”

The blind man walked into the bathroom and the mother superior began to tell him how much they appreciated him. She talked on and on and after about ten minutes the man interrupted and said “Wow, this is really nice of you, in fact this is the best treatment I have ever been given since I started selling these blinds, but where should I put them?”

OK, was this last joke a little too much? Leave a comment.


Rita and John's Marriage Certificate

crochetA man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls for one dollar each.”

this joke was put on my blog by   http://keiththegreen.wordpress.com/  thanks, KeithTheGreen!!

A little humor (humour)

Brad Stanton —  August 19, 2012 — 20 Comments

A man died and left his wife $20,000. After the funeral she told a friend that she was broke.

“You’re broke?!” The friend asked. “I thought your husband left you a lot of money.”

“He did, but I spent $5000 on the funeral and $15,000 on a memorial stone.”

“That must have been a really big memorial stone” the woman said. “How big was it?”

The widow lifted up her left hand to show the woman and said “Oh, about three carats.”

Later the widow was in a car accident and the doctors thought she was dead. They used everything they could and soon her heart started beating again. The woman prayed to God and said “Oh thank you so much for letting me live. By the way, how much longer are you going to let me stay alive down here?”

God told her she had 40 more years to live.

She was so happy that she decided to stay at the hospital and get a face lift, a tummy tuck and breast augmentation. Soon she was able to leave the hospital.

Then one day about a month later she was hit by a car and died. As her spirit was being taken to heaven she asked God, “Hey, I thought you said I had forty more years down here, What happened?”

God said, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”

Disclaimer: these are just a little humor and certainly not doctrinally correct. I know some of you are thinking, yep, very little humor. Oh well, you get what you pay for and this was free.


“If the most important part of your life is ahead of you, then even during the worst times,Purpose

one can be assured that there is more laughter ahead, more success to look forward to, more children to teach and help, more friends to touch and influence. There is proof of hope . . . for more.”  The Noticer by Andy Andrews (chapter 6, p. 85).

God adores you and has a wonderful plan for your life. You may be going through difficult times or great times. You may be struggling to reach your goals and dreams in life. If you are like most people, good relationships are one of your top goals in life, but you are not completely satisfied in that area and haven’t achieved all your dreams yet. But no matter what happens, you can be sure that everything will turn out good. That is a promise in Romans 8:28 “For all things work together for good to those who love God…”

Life is a bit like making a cake. You put in flour, butter, salt, eggs and other ingredients. These by themselves don’t taste good at all. I would hate to eat raw eggs and plain flour. Some of the bad things in life are like raw eggs and flour. But after you mix them together and they pass through the heat of the oven (like we feel our life is passing through a crucible) it turns out tasting really good and it is delightful.

One evening I sat playing cards with a group of people I had never met before. To my left was an elderly woman who was very hard of hearing and that isolated her from other people. During the evening I found out her husband had died about 20 years prior. I asked her if that was difficult, she said, “It is hell.” Then she added, but it has gotten easier.”

I realized that life must be rather lonely for her because she lived alone and was so hard of hearing that communication was very difficult. I wondered why God allowed her to stay alive, when it seemed she would rather be with her husband in heaven. (Don’t worry, I now there is no marriage in heaven, if there were heaven would be called hell………..just joking.) I told her that with all that spare time she could be a very powerful prayer warrior.

Why are you here? What is your purpose in life? In a book called “The Noticer” by Andy Andrews, he makes some points (see chapter 6 pp. 83-85). He says that God has a purpose for every person alive on this earth and that you won’t die until you finish that purpose. So if you are still alive and kickin’, it means God still has a plan for you and it is a wonderful plan. If you haven’t finished your purpose, then the most exciting part of your life is ahead of you, not behind you.

You are destined to do great things in life! Click the photo of the little girl praying above and to the right for more of these ideas. What do you think? Is this true? Is your best still ahead of you? amazing power


Rodney Dangerfield jokes…

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast to her in a fancy joint on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my dad tripped me! 

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I would have to pay in advance.  

I tell you when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo…. it never did come back!

When I was a kid I got no respect.  I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “Give us five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

I am telling ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to go have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room in the house.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.  

I saw my psychiatrist and told him, “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and the customers kept asking how big I’d get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool and let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

I come from a slow family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was not too bright. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness… after I was born.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Airport Humor

Brad Stanton —  July 20, 2012 — 28 Comments

A man had a layover on his flight to Los Angeles, so he stopped by a snack shop in the

English: A chocolate chip cookie. This is from...

airport and bought a package of 10 small cookies and a newspaper. He sat down at a table and began reading the newspaper. After a few minutes he heard the rustling of cellophane, the kind his cookies were wrapped in so he peered over his paper and was shocked to see an elderly lady taking a cookie out of the cellophane and then taking a bite.

He frowned at her but she didn’t notice. He reached out and took a cookie, still frowning at her. She looked up, noticed his frown and kept chewing the cookie.

After a few moments, while reading again, he heard the same noise. He looked and the lady was taking another cookie without asking, without even looking at him! He reached forward and took two cookies with an even fiercer frown. She paused for a moment, looking at him, then went back to eating.

He ate both cookies and went back to reading until he heard the cellophane again. She took two this time and even frowned at him! He grabbed the rest of the cookies and stood up to leave, opening his briefcase as he walked so that he could put the remaining cookies in it. To his chagrin, he saw the unopened bag of cookies he had purchased and absent mindedly inserted in the briefcase.

He quickly wheeled around and gave the lady back the remaining cookies, apologizing profusely.

Kindergarten humor

Brad Stanton —  July 17, 2012 — 57 Comments

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It was the last day of kindergarten and all the kids in class brought presents to give their teacher.

A little boy whose father owned a flower shop handed the teacher a gift. She looked at the shape of the package and said “I bet it’s flowers from your fathers shop!”

“You are right! Exclaimed the little boy.

A little girl came up with a square box neatly wrapped; she was the candy shop owner’s daughter. The teacher shook the box and asked “Is it a box of candy?”

“Yes, it is!” shouted the girl.

Next the liquor store owner’s son came forward with a colorfully wrapped box that was leaking. The teacher placed her finger on the dripping corner and tasted it.

“Could it be wine?” she queried

“No,” said the boy. The teacher held the box up and licked the dripping corner.

“Champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy answered. It’s even better than that. It’s a puppy!”

Harry Butz humor

Brad Stanton —  July 12, 2012 — 8 Comments

Chellaston Methodist Church

Harry Butz was a member of his Baptist church for so long no one wondered how his parents could name him that, they just sort of forgot about it. But when the Methodist church down the street met together with the Baptists for a celebration, the Baptist pastor forgot that he should explain things before he said from the pulpit to two ladies in the crowded church “Would the two ladies with Harry Butz come forward to the front, please?”

The two ladies looked extremely embarrassed and didn’t have the nerve to walk forward. After a bit of laughter from the crowd the preacher realized his mistake.


A blind lady named Sue was flying across country and the airplane landed in Dallas for a short layover. Sue flew often and the captain knew her name. He wanted to stretch his legs a bit so he approached her and asked “Sue do you want to leave the airplane and walk around for a bit?”

“No” said Sue, “but would you mind walking my seeing-eye dog for a few minutes?”

“Sure” he said. It was rather sunny from the large windows in the airport waiting room so he put on his sunglasses.

You can imagine the shocked looks on the people waiting for the plane when they saw the airline captain walking off the airplane wearing sunglasses with a seeing-eye dog.

Funeral Humor

Brad Stanton —  June 29, 2012 — 24 Comments

Two brothers who lived in a city were so mean, hateful, cruel and nasty that after one brother died, the other brother had a hard time finding a preacher willing to do the funeral. Finally he came up with the idea of donating to the preacher’s church before asking him to do it.

He gave a five thousand dollar check to a preacher and asked him to do the funeral. The preacher reluctantly agreed. “But you will have to agree to say my brother was a saint” the man said to the preacher. Again, the preacher agreed, but even more reluctantly.

The day of the funeral the surviving brother went to the graveside and listened intently as the preacher spoke. He was aghast when the preacher began saying a list of true, but very uncomplimentary things about the deceased.  “This man was a scoundrel, a philanderer, he cheated on his wife, stole from his parents and harassed many people in this town. But compared to his brother, he was a saint!”

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English: Portrait of a girl from Portugal

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Four people were in an airplane which was going to crash so they all had to parachute out. The problem was that there were only three parachutes so they began discussing who would get the chutes. The first man said that he ran an orphanage and that dozens of children depended on him for survival, so he took a chute and jumped out.

The second man said “I have a PhD in Nuclear Physics, Biology and Law and since I am the smartest man in the world, the world needs me,” so he jumped out.

An old retired farmer and a school girl were the two left. The old man said “You take the chute. I have lived a long and full life and I am looking forward to going to heaven.”

The school girl replied, “No need, there are still two parachutes left. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my book bag.”

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English: Romaine lettuce (Lactuca sativa var. ...

A lady asked the grocery store worker if she could buy half a head of lettuce. The man said that she could not. But she really didn’t want to buy the whole head for just herself because she knew she wouldn’t eat it all and it would be wasted.

“Please ask your boss if I can buy half a head of lettuce” she asked. So he went into the back room where his boss was working, not realizing that she was following him. He said “Hey boss, some moron wants to know if she can buy half a head of lettuce.”

The boss’s eyebrows raised in surprise so much that the worker knew something was wrong. He turned slowly to see the customer behind him. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds and then he said “and this wonderful lady wants to buy the other half.”