Archives For humor

Wedding vows joke

Brad Stanton —  January 25, 2014 — 6 Comments

Elegant-Bride-and-GroomDuring the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. He said to the minister “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”

He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” He leaned toward the minister and hissed, “I thought we had a deal!”

The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

Airport humor

Brad Stanton —  November 22, 2013 — 3 Comments

English: A chocolate chip cookie. This is from...

A man had a layover on his flight to Los Angeles, so he stopped at a snack shop in the airport and bought a package of 10 small cookies and a newspaper. He sat down at a table and began reading the newspaper. After a few minutes he heard the rustling of cellophane, the kind his cookies were wrapped in so he peered over his paper and was shocked to see an elderly lady taking a cookie out of the cellophane and taking a bite.

He frowned at her but she didn’t notice. He reached out and took a cookie, still frowning at her. She looked up, noticed his frown and kept chewing the cookie.

After a few moments, while reading again, he heard the same noise. He looked and the lady was taking another cookie without asking, without even looking at him! He reached forward and took two cookies with an even fiercer frown. She paused for a moment, looking at him, then went back to eating.

He ate both cookies and went back to reading until he heard the cellophane again. She took two this time and even frowned at him! He grabbed the rest of the cookies and stood up to leave, opening his briefcase as he walked so that he could put the remaining cookies in it. To his chagrin, he saw the unopened bag of cookies he had purchased and absent mindedly inserted in the briefcase.

He quickly wheeled around and gave the lady back her remaining cookies, apologizing profusely.

A joke about money

Brad Stanton —  November 4, 2013 — 2 Comments

deaf mute

deaf mute (Photo credit: Daniel Catbagan)

A man knew that his grandmother was rich and about to die. He went to visit her and help her in any way that he could. She told him that she had half a million dollars hidden underneath the floorboards in the kitchen. She wanted him to have it because he was the only one that cared enough about her to come and take care of her.

After the grandmother’s funeral the man retrieved the money and dug a hole in his backyard to bury it. The next day he went out to check on the buried treasure. All he found was an empty hole. As he inspected the area, he saw footprints from the hole leading to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.

Down the street lived a woman who had a deaf son, so she understood sign language, so the man hurried to her house and brought her to the deaf-mute to interrogate him. He brought his hand gun hidden under his coat.

He screamed at the woman, “Tell this deaf-mute that I know he stole my money and that if he doesn’t give it back I will kill him!”

The lady signed the message to the deaf mute, who replied in sign language “I hid it in the cupboards in the basement.”

The interpreter then turned to the man with the gun and said “He says he will never tell you where the money is, even if you kill him.”


English: Profile of a parrot Ara Chloropterus ...

A thief broke into a beautiful ivy covered house in the countryside and was looking around for things to steal when he heard a voice say “Jesus is watching you!”

The surprised thief froze in his tracks and looked around, shining the flashlight until he saw a parrot looking at him from inside a cage.

“Did you say that to me?” he asked the parrot.

“Yes, I said Jesus is watching you.” the parrot repeated.

“What is your name?” asked the thief.

“My name is Moses” said the parrot. “I’m warning you, Jesus is watching you.”

“I don’t believe in Jesus. And besides that, you have a stupid name, what kind of idiot would name their parrot Moses?”

The parrot replied, “The same kind of person who would name their 150 pound, bloodthirsty guard dog Jesus.”

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A blind lady named Sue was flying across country and the airplane landed in Dallas for a short layover. Sue flew often and the captain knew her name. He wanted to stretch his legs a bit so he approached her and asked “Sue do you want to leave the airplane and walk around for a bit?”

“No” said Sue, “but would you mind walking my seeing-eye dog for a few minutes?”

“Sure” he said. It was rather sunny from the large windows in the airport waiting room so he put on his sunglasses.

You can imagine the shocked looks on the people waiting for the plane when they saw the airline pilot walking off the airplane wearing sunglasses with a seeing-eye dog.


0000000000000000000000Have you ever gone to the hospital and had a “we” nurse? You know what I mean, she comes in and asks “How are we doing today? Have we eaten our breakfast yet?”

So a man was in the hospital and one afternoon a nurse came in with a specimen cup in her hand and asked him for a urine sample.

He raised his eyebrows in mock surprise and said “Do you mean from here?”

She ignored his humor and left the cup beside his bed. After she left, he decided to have some fun with her and filled the specimen cup with his leftover apple juice.

The nurse came back later, frowned at the cup and said “My, we are a bit cloudy today aren’t we?”

He grabbed the cup and drank it down completely. “I’ll run it through again and see if it comes out more clear next time.”

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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast to her in a fancy joint on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my dad tripped me! 

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I would have to pay in advance.  

I tell you when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo…. it never did come back!

When I was a kid I got no respect.  I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “Give us five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

I am telling ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to go have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room in the house.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.  

I saw my psychiatrist and told him, “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and the customers kept asking how big I’d get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool and let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

I come from a slow family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was not too bright. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness… after I was born.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.


0000000000000000kiopI thought this was hilarious, started crying with laughter. Please take a moment to read the whole thing.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in
here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I’ll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

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A thief broke into a beautiful ivy covered house in the countryside and was looking around for things to steal when he heard a voice say “Jesus is watching you!”

The surprised thief froze in his tracks and looked around, shining the flashlight until he saw a parrot looking at him from inside a cage.

“Did you say that to me?” he asked the parrot.

“Yes, I said Jesus is watching you.” the parrot repeated.

“What is your name?” asked the thief.

“My name is Moses” said the parrot. “I’m warning you, Jesus is watching you.”

“I don’t believe in Jesus. And besides that, you have a stupid name, what kind of idiot would name their parrot Jesus?”

The parrot replied, “The same kind of person who would name their 150 pound, bloodthirsty guard dog Jesus.”

A clever mom (humor)

Brad Stanton —  April 9, 2013 — 18 Comments

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.523429_409327455831671_630280954_n (1)
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious….

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

He said ,”Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Before you read this you must know that I’m sort of a charm school reject. I blame my mom, she never sent me to charm school. Well, I really can’t blame her. No respectable charm school would ever allow me in their doors. If low class humor is not for you, stop reading now! I really did experience this embarrassing event.

During the tornado drill about a month ago, I was not able to make it to the shelter with my coworkers because I was sitting on the potty when the tornado alarm went off. Later, in a crew meeting, I was asked why I didn’t show up in the tunnel.

I told them what I was doing and said that some thought it was a crappy excuse, but no one had made a stink about it. One person told me that if it had been a real tornado I would just have to kiss my butt goodbye. Well, I didn’t fight back when he said that, I turned the other cheek. When I was finished explaining this in crew meeting, someone accused me of having diarrhea of the mouth.

You know how it is; sometimes things just don’t come out as smoothly as planned. We all have had log jams that slow us down.

So now I still get comments about this situation. One person said “Hey, the sewer department called. They said they have had enough crap out of you!” I guess you could say I am the butt of a few jokes. People are still making cracks about mine.

Surely there are more puns to be made about this, if you can think of one, leave a reply.


734538_424972How do you see yourself? If you see yourself as a winner, as capable and able, you tend to accomplish much more in life, do better at your job and relationships. I heard a PhD give a speech in which he said that bad self-image was the cause of almost all divorces. At first I did not believe it, but the more I ponder it, the more I believe it may be true. Leave a comment, what do you think about this? Have you seen instances in which a bad self-image caused problems?

There were areas in my life in which I used to feel incompetent. After I picked myself off and dusted off my poor attitude in those areas, I did much better and was much happier.

This is a pic of me taken with a distortion app. It’s a bad self image. I laughed out loud the first time I saw it.

 

Here are some quotes that have helped me a lot, hope they help you too:

Within you right now is the power to do things you never dreamed possible. Dr. Maxwell Maltz

A man’s life is dyed by the color of his imagination.~ Marcus Aurelius

Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later. ~ Kiyoshaki

Vision is the art of seeing the invisible. ~Johnathon Swift

Visualizing your goal for 7 minutes a day is a huge step forward in achieving it. ~many people

Abundance is the natural state of being. ~Jack Canfield

Abundance is not something we aquire. It is something we tune into. ~Wayne Dyer

 

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A really bad day–humor

Brad Stanton —  February 26, 2013 — 5 Comments

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Truck Drivers only!

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Picture on the side of a truck, not really a man on a hammock.

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It is said that some of the top leaders of England were at a party with Oliver Cromwell, trying their best to make friends with him in order to win favors. One man apparently had a habit of talking before thinking and saw a homely young lady enter the party with a man.

“Who is that unsightly creature with Lord Smith?” the man asked Cromwell.

Cromwell winced and said “That sir, is my daughter.”

Trying hastily to overcome his mistake the man said “No, no I mean that shocking monster on the other side of him.”

“That, sir, is my wife.”

I don’t know if that story is true or just a joke, but the following is true and I thought it was very interesting because it is the account of a man who rose from obscurity to a very high position.

Oliver Cromwell (1599 – 1658) was an English military and political leader and later Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England, Scotland and Ireland. Born into the middle gentry, he was relatively obscure for the first 40 years of his life. After undergoing a religious conversion in the 1630s, Cromwell became an intensely religious man and he fervently believed that God was guiding his victories.

He was elected Member of Parliament and later entered the English Civil War. Nicknamed “Old Ironsides”, he was quickly promoted from leading a single cavalry troop to become one of the principal commanders of the New Model Army. (From Wikipedia)

He later became head of state of England, Scotland and Ireland and changed the course of history. It just goes to show you that your luck can change at any time, and you may be propelled into a wonderful life.

Dog jokes

Brad Stanton —  January 30, 2013 — 4 Comments

A dog with no name

A man was passing through a small town and decided to stop for a soft drink. He parked and got out of his car. In front of the store was a boy, about 8 or 10 years old and a dog. The man was impressed by the dog and asked

“Son, does your dog bite?”

“No, my dog doesn’t bite, mister.” the boy said.

The man reached down to pet the dog and suddenly the dog lunged and bit his hand.

“I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” the man cried out.

“That’s not my dog” the boy answered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was summertime and a man walked past several boys with a dog. “What are you boys doing?” he asked.

“We are competing to see who wins this dog as a prize. Whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep the dog.” One of the boys said.

The man was shocked at the morals of these young boys, competing to see who could tell the biggest lie. He decided he would do his good deed for the day and encourage them to find a more honest way to compete for the dog.

“Boys, it’s not a good idea to tell lies. Why, when I was a boy I became a Christian at an early age and I didn’t tell lies after that. In fact, I was so blessed by the Lord that I became a preacher.” He talked and talked, going on and on about how bad it is to lie and how he didn’t do that kind of thing. Eventually he paused to see if he had any effect on the boys. They were staring at him with strange expressions on their faces.

“OK, give him the dog. None of us can tell that big of a lie!” one of the boys said.

cute dog on table

Fishing jokes

Brad Stanton —  January 7, 2013 — 6 Comments

Boat reflection

Boat reflection (Photo credit: Jesper Hauge)

On a summer day three preachers were sitting in a boat fishing. One of them said, “Hey let’s get everything off our chests and tell each other our worst sins.”

They thought about it for a while then one of them said “OK, I’ll go first. My worst sin is that I gamble. Sometimes I sneak away to another city to go to the casino there. I have to think up creative lies to tell why money is missing.”

The second one said, “Alright, I’ll tell you my worst sin. I cheat on my income tax. I always feel bad about it after I do it, and worry that I’ll get caught by the IRS.”

It got very quiet. Finally the man who went first said to the one who hadn’t spoken yet, “OK, now it is your turn. What is your worst sin? We both told you ours, now you have to tell us yours.”

The man was silent for a short time, then said “My biggest sin is that I love to gossip. I just can’t wait to get out of this boat!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A game warden heard that someone was fishing illegally by throwing dynamite into the lake. The explosion would kill fish in the nearby area and they would float up to the top of the water and he would net them into his boat.

The game warden approached all the boats on the large lake he could find to see if there were explosives on board. One day he brought his boat close to man in a bass boat and asked to take a look. The man refused and since the warden didn’t have legal right to board his boat he decided to talk to the man.

“I hear someone has been dynamite fishing in this area, which is illegal. Have you seen anyone doing that?”

The man in the bass boat shook his head, but the game warden was suspicious. He decided to stay and talk to the stranger for awhile. Finally the stranger got sick of the warden preaching about the illegality of dynamite fishing and he reached down and grabbed a stick of dynamite. He quickly lit it, threw it to the game warden and said

“Are you gonna preach or are you gonna fish?”

Funny baby pics

Brad Stanton —  December 22, 2012 — 16 Comments

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Shepherd humour

Brad Stanton —  December 10, 2012 — 13 Comments

English: Shepherd dog, sheep, Dolenja vas near...

A shepherd was bringing his large flock of sheep down a dusty road when a man in a Ferrari drove up and stopped. He got out of his car wearing an expensive Armani suit and had a laptop computer in his hand.

He said, “What a wonderful flock of sheep you have here, I’ll make a deal with you. If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock in less than a minute, you give me one sheep. How about it?”

The shepherd agreed.

The man scanned the flock with his computer cam and began typing on the laptop. In less than 45 seconds he shouted “You have 1253 sheep!”

“Yes, exactly!” said the shepherd. “You can have a sheep.”

The shepherd watched the rich man carry an animal to his car.

“Wait a minute” said the shepherd, “I’ll make a deal with you. If I can tell you what kind of work you do for a living, you give me back my animal, OK?”

“It’s a deal” said the rich man.

“You are an IT consultant” said the shepherd.

“Wow, that’s right, how did you know?” asked the IT man.

“Three reasons” said the shepherd. “One, you came and asked for work without me calling you. Two, I had to pay you to tell me something I already knew, and three you don’t understand my business at all. I don’t think you know the first thing about shepherding. Now give me back my dog!”

 

Money humor

Brad Stanton —  November 25, 2012 — 15 Comments

A man knew that his grandmother was rich and about to die. He went to visit her and help her in any way that he could. She told him that she had half a million dollars hidden underneath the floorboards in the kitchen. She wanted him to have it because he was the only one that cared enough about her to come and take care of her.

After the grandmother’s funeral the man retrieved the money and dug a hole in his backyard to bury it. The next day he went out to check on the buried treasure. All he found was an empty hole. As he inspected the area, he saw footprints from the hole leading to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.

Down the street lived a woman who had a deaf son, so she understood sign language, so the man hurried to her house and brought her to the deaf-mute to interrogate him. He brought his hand gun hidden under his coat.

He screamed at the woman, “Tell this deaf-mute that I know he stole my money and that if he doesn’t give it back I will kill him!”

The lady signed the message to the deaf mute, who replied in sign language “I hid it in the cupboards in the basement.”

The interpreter then turned to the man with the gun and said “He says he will never tell you where the money is, even if you kill him.”


I decided to do something lighthearted and silly during the last full moon. After reading the thought provoking book “Full Moon” by Seymore Butz who decides to grin and bare it, (that was after I read “Yellow River” by I.P. Freely) I decided to let my creative juices flow. This train wreck of a post is the unfortunate result.

The picture is Lady Gaga when she was nine. Isn’t she cute? More about her later in this post.

I suppose the inspiring, philosophical quote by Mic Jagger explains it pretty well: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need. Ahhhhh yea.” If we really take these words to heart it can make us a little more whatever. It’s just so….whatever. A quote from a rock guitarist in his usual drug induced stupor that I especially love: “Let him paltry when I don’t remember why I let’s go see and then it was over.” I’m sure he understood what he was talking about…or maybe not.

But it is true we don’t always get what we want. I attended a speech by a man who went to Canada to help people in a certain impoverished area with their spiritual, emotional and physical needs. I thought that was pretty cool. I wanted to go and do the same as I listened to his fascinating stories of making a difference in people’s lives. I knew that if I did that kind of work I would get that nice warm feeling every day. At my present job I only get that nice warm feeling from wetting my pants. But anyway, he told about how his wife found that many women in the rural area felt disconnected. So she started an outreach called Girlfriends Unlimited. He told some of the touching stories of how lonely women found a friend. I was so moved that during the question and answer session I told him I wanted to move to Canada and be a part of Girlfriends Unlimited. That door shut firmly in my face, I think it was sexual discrimination, but I didn’t let it get me down. I can’t always get what I want.

By now, if you are still reading this you probably think I suffer from insanity. No, that is not the case at all. I enjoy being insane.

I certainly didn’t get want I wanted at work the other day. My coworker was talking about his nephew who is making it fairly big in Hollywood and how he had dreamed of that since he was a child. Then he went on to tell about another relative who had dreamed of driving a truck since he was five. I told him I’ve always dreamed of being a Chippendale’s dancer. He ignored the comment. (I don’t really want to do be a Chippendale’s dancer, just wanted to shock him, I’d have to lose weight.) When people cling to a dream long enough, it almost always seems to be fulfilled. The picture of Lady Gaga – notice the flair for fashion, black outfit, wide eyes. She must have been perfecting her routine since childhood.

He asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and what kind of woman I was looking for. He always thinks he needs to get me fixed up. I told him again that I want a woman the way I like my tea– strong, hot and sweet. He ignored that too. I don’t know why he doesn’t take me seriously. Once he even suggested I was demon possessed, but I’m sure the only reason he felt that way is that I forgot to pay my exorcist that month and got repossessed.

He sometimes told me wild, incredible, unbelievable stories, like the time at Christmas he was with all the family and in-laws sitting around the fireplace chatting. He said his father got up a laid a log on the fire. That was really hard for me to believe. For one, his dad is not the kind of person to lay a log in front of everyone, secondly, I’m sure he would burn his butt before he could finish laying the log. I just can’t picture his dad deciding to grin and bare it.

Then he had the gall to suggest maybe I have a drinking problem. I told him I don’t have a drinking problem at all, I can quit drinking any time I want. I quit drinking three times yesterday.

I really got carried away that day…….. by the men in white.

Another mule joke

Brad Stanton —  September 18, 2012 — 8 Comments

a mule

An old farmer had an old mule. The mule was very old and very sick, in fact the veterinarian told the old farmer the best thing to do would be to put the poor animal down and said he could do it painlessly. But the old farmer just couldn’t bear to lose the old faithful mule.

A few days later when the pastor called the old farmer, he told the pastor all about the old mule. After hearing the story the pastor kindly asked if the old farmer would like him to shoot the mule to put it out of its misery.

“Yes, pastor, that would be mighty fine of you, I just can’t bring myself to do it.”

That day Billy Bob came to talk to the pastor. The pastor said “I’d love to chat with you but I have an errand that I need to attend to, want to come along with me?”

“Sure, I’ll come” said Billy Bob.

As they drove to the old farmers house the thought crossed the pastor’s mind that he could have a lot of fun with this. He decided to make up a fib and see if Billy Bob would believe it.

“Billy Bob, I’m so mad at that old farmer I just don’t know what to do. Every time I think of him I get madder. I’m to the point now that if I wasn’t a pastor, I’d be thinking about killing him. Maybe I’ll just kill his mule, instead.”

They arrived at the house and the pastor pulled out his rifle and strode angrily to the back of the barn where the old mule was. Billy Bob heard a shot and saw the pastor walking back to the truck with a smoking gun. Billy Bob’s eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything.

“I’m going right up to that old man’s house and tell him what I did” said the pastor.

He put the rifle back in the truck. After the pastor finished talking to the old farmer he walked back to the truck and was surprised to hear four gunshots. Suddenly Billy Bob came running around the corner with the rifle.

“I got him good, pastor, I just shot three of his chickens and one of his cows, let’s get out of here!”

The old mule — humour

Brad Stanton —  September 17, 2012 — 11 Comments

These pictures show some of the hardware which...

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

”Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–” ”I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. ”Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

”Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–”

”Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.

”Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

That was just a joke, but most people would say they are feeling pretty good at that point, wouldn’t they? And when they thought about the alternative, they probably would be happy.

Puns and other humour/humor

Brad Stanton —  September 7, 2012 — 18 Comments

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
The glasses maker who fell into his lens grinding machine made a spectacle of himself
A backwards poet writes inverse
A will is a dead giveaway
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired
The worst place to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. …Especially if the people you are playing with, are really bad guessers.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the bulb has to really want to change.
How do you make a group of lawyers smile for a photo? Just say Fees
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? The lawyer has a briefcase.
Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards! Sit down and I’ll deal with you later.
Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge! What’s come over you?
Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Pull yourself together!
Why did Santa’s little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem
Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin
What was the witches’ favorite subject in school? Spelling
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts
Why is the book Women Who Love Too Much a disappointment for many men?No phone numbers
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it. The thief was spending less than his wife did
Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer? He studied all year for the bra exam
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny
What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet? The captain’s log
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog
A brand new communist solder fought bravely but was beaten up by another soldier. He may have been a green red who was black and blue but he wasn’t yellow.
Leave a reply and leave a pun if you can, pleeeease

Graveyard humor

Brad Stanton —  August 26, 2012 — 12 Comments

Кабак

A drunk man left a bar and decided to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It was raining heavily and rather dark, with only a half moon in the sky above, it cast eerie shadows across the tombstones, giving the drunk man the creeps. He didn’t see an open grave in front of him and fell into it. He tried to climb out but the rain made the sides of the hole too slippery to climb. Finally he decided to give up and spend the night there and try again in daylight after he sobered up.

A while later, another drunk left the same bar and took the same shortcut through the graveyard. He too felt scared by the creepy shadows moving over the tombstones and the eerie atmosphere of the graveyard. He, too fell into the open grave. The first drunk was still there and watched him try to climb out only to fall back down into the slippery, muddy hole. Finally the second drunk got tired and sat down to rest. The first drunk said in his scariest voice, “yessss, just sit and ressst, you’ll never get out.”

But he did!