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dead grandmother joke

Brad Stanton —  June 9, 2013 — 2 Comments


A man knew that his grandmother was rich and about to die. He went to visit her and help her in any way that he could. She told him that she had half a million dollars hidden underneath the floorboards in the kitchen. She wanted him to have it because he was the only one that cared enough about her to come and take care of her.

After the grandmother’s funeral the man retrieved the money and dug a hole in his backyard to bury it. The next day he went out to check on the buried treasure. All he found was an empty hole. As he inspected the area, he saw footprints from the hole leading to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.

Down the street lived a woman named Sally who had a deaf brother, so she understood sign language, so the man hurried to her house and brought her to the deaf-mute to interrogate him. He brought his hand gun hidden under his coat.

He screamed at Sally, “Tell this deaf-mute that I know he stole my money and that if he doesn’t give it back I will kill him!”

Sally signed the message to the deaf mute, who replied in sign language “I hid it in the cupboards in the basement.”

Sally then turned to the man with the gun and said “He says he will never tell you where the money is, even if you kill him.”

0000000000000000kiopI thought this was hilarious, started crying with laughter. Please take a moment to read the whole thing.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in
here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I’ll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

Motivating people to achieve self-discipline and funny stuff is what my book is all about. Buy one book, get four free ebooks!

734538_424972How do you see yourself? If you see yourself as a winner, as capable and able, you tend to accomplish much more in life, do better at your job and relationships. I heard a PhD give a speech in which he said that bad self-image was the cause of almost all divorces. At first I did not believe it, but the more I ponder it, the more I believe it may be true. Leave a comment, what do you think about this? Have you seen instances in which a bad self-image caused problems?

There were areas in my life in which I used to feel incompetent. After I picked myself off and dusted off my poor attitude in those areas, I did much better and was much happier.

This is a pic of me taken with a distortion app. It’s a bad self image. I laughed out loud the first time I saw it.


Here are some quotes that have helped me a lot, hope they help you too:

Within you right now is the power to do things you never dreamed possible. Dr. Maxwell Maltz

A man’s life is dyed by the color of his imagination.~ Marcus Aurelius

Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later. ~ Kiyoshaki

Vision is the art of seeing the invisible. ~Johnathon Swift

Visualizing your goal for 7 minutes a day is a huge step forward in achieving it. ~many people

Abundance is the natural state of being. ~Jack Canfield

Abundance is not something we aquire. It is something we tune into. ~Wayne Dyer



A really bad day–humor

Brad Stanton —  February 26, 2013 — 5 Comments

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Truck Drivers only!

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Picture on the side of a truck, not really a man on a hammock.



It is said that some of the top leaders of England were at a party with Oliver Cromwell, trying their best to make friends with him in order to win favors. One man apparently had a habit of talking before thinking and saw a homely young lady enter the party with a man.

“Who is that unsightly creature with Lord Smith?” the man asked Cromwell.

Cromwell winced and said “That sir, is my daughter.”

Trying hastily to overcome his mistake the man said “No, no I mean that shocking monster on the other side of him.”

“That, sir, is my wife.”

I don’t know if that story is true or just a joke, but the following is true and I thought it was very interesting because it is the account of a man who rose from obscurity to a very high position.

Oliver Cromwell (1599 – 1658) was an English military and political leader and later Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England, Scotland and Ireland. Born into the middle gentry, he was relatively obscure for the first 40 years of his life. After undergoing a religious conversion in the 1630s, Cromwell became an intensely religious man and he fervently believed that God was guiding his victories.

He was elected Member of Parliament and later entered the English Civil War. Nicknamed “Old Ironsides”, he was quickly promoted from leading a single cavalry troop to become one of the principal commanders of the New Model Army. (From Wikipedia)

He later became head of state of England, Scotland and Ireland and changed the course of history. It just goes to show you that your luck can change at any time, and you may be propelled into a wonderful life.