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Airport humor

Brad Stanton —  November 22, 2013 — 3 Comments

English: A chocolate chip cookie. This is from...

A man had a layover on his flight to Los Angeles, so he stopped at a snack shop in the airport and bought a package of 10 small cookies and a newspaper. He sat down at a table and began reading the newspaper. After a few minutes he heard the rustling of cellophane, the kind his cookies were wrapped in so he peered over his paper and was shocked to see an elderly lady taking a cookie out of the cellophane and taking a bite.

He frowned at her but she didn’t notice. He reached out and took a cookie, still frowning at her. She looked up, noticed his frown and kept chewing the cookie.

After a few moments, while reading again, he heard the same noise. He looked and the lady was taking another cookie without asking, without even looking at him! He reached forward and took two cookies with an even fiercer frown. She paused for a moment, looking at him, then went back to eating.

He ate both cookies and went back to reading until he heard the cellophane again. She took two this time and even frowned at him! He grabbed the rest of the cookies and stood up to leave, opening his briefcase as he walked so that he could put the remaining cookies in it. To his chagrin, he saw the unopened bag of cookies he had purchased and absent mindedly inserted in the briefcase.

He quickly wheeled around and gave the lady back her remaining cookies, apologizing profusely.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast to her in a fancy joint on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my dad tripped me! 

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I would have to pay in advance.  

I tell you when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo…. it never did come back!

When I was a kid I got no respect.  I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “Give us five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

I am telling ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to go have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room in the house.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.  

I saw my psychiatrist and told him, “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and the customers kept asking how big I’d get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool and let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

I come from a slow family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was not too bright. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness… after I was born.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

0000000000000000kiopI thought this was hilarious, started crying with laughter. Please take a moment to read the whole thing.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in
here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I’ll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

Motivating people to achieve self-discipline and funny stuff is what my book is all about. Buy one book, get four free ebooks!


A thief broke into a beautiful ivy covered house in the countryside and was looking around for things to steal when he heard a voice say “Jesus is watching you!”

The surprised thief froze in his tracks and looked around, shining the flashlight until he saw a parrot looking at him from inside a cage.

“Did you say that to me?” he asked the parrot.

“Yes, I said Jesus is watching you.” the parrot repeated.

“What is your name?” asked the thief.

“My name is Moses” said the parrot. “I’m warning you, Jesus is watching you.”

“I don’t believe in Jesus. And besides that, you have a stupid name, what kind of idiot would name their parrot Jesus?”

The parrot replied, “The same kind of person who would name their 150 pound, bloodthirsty guard dog Jesus.”


Before you read this you must know that I’m sort of a charm school reject. I blame my mom, she never sent me to charm school. Well, I really can’t blame her. No respectable charm school would ever allow me in their doors. If low class humor is not for you, stop reading now! I really did experience this embarrassing event.

During the tornado drill about a month ago, I was not able to make it to the shelter with my coworkers because I was sitting on the potty when the tornado alarm went off. Later, in a crew meeting, I was asked why I didn’t show up in the tunnel.

I told them what I was doing and said that some thought it was a crappy excuse, but no one had made a stink about it. One person told me that if it had been a real tornado I would just have to kiss my butt goodbye. Well, I didn’t fight back when he said that, I turned the other cheek. When I was finished explaining this in crew meeting, someone accused me of having diarrhea of the mouth.

You know how it is; sometimes things just don’t come out as smoothly as planned. We all have had log jams that slow us down.

So now I still get comments about this situation. One person said “Hey, the sewer department called. They said they have had enough crap out of you!” I guess you could say I am the butt of a few jokes. People are still making cracks about mine.

Surely there are more puns to be made about this, if you can think of one, leave a reply.